Reaching Contentment

This has been going round and round in my head and my life for the last 5 years, and I'm so thankful God's put all the pieces together and I can honestly say I've reached a point of contentment in my life, and man is it freeing!  The - It Is Well With My Soul type of contentment!  This post is largely for me to mark this stage in my faith, personal and parenting journey, but also maybe to provide hope for somebody that's on the doorstep of being content.  When I think of being content, I thought of Paul's words in Philippians 4:12, when he wrote of having lived in plenty and and in need, hungry and full, but it's taken on a new meaning for me.  Not just in material things, but in concepts.  The secret of being content is in Jesus and only through Him, and for me was through a journey of other big words and seasons - Regret, Struggle, Acceptance, Peace and Joy.

5 years ago our lives were turned upside down....5 years, 6 months and 5 days to be exact.  Brennan, Landon, Katelyn and Brooklyn were born 17 weeks, 6 days early and we had no idea what was in store!  Three days later Katelyn died, many times in the weeks shortly after, Brennan, Landon and Brooklyn were very critical and Landon many times still in the last several years.  I've cycled through different periods of grief.  Grief over death, over changed dreams for my kids, over seeing my kids live a of special needs and everything that comes with it, over changed relationships.  I had so many real struggles with what-ifs, wanting to change the past or situations, regret over not doing enough therapy with them, anger toward my prenatal doc, comparison with healthy preemies - you get the picture...regret and real struggle.  Most of my kids beat the odds - 3 were alive and making progress and I desperately wanted to believe the cliche, "I wouldn't change a thing." I was/am thankful for the experiences we've had, people we've met, perspectives I've been opened to, but I couldn't buy in.  Who would willingly choose to loose their daughter, see their kids live such difficult lives?  Real struggle here.  Apart from my own internal struggle; parenting in general is hard - parenting kids with sensory issues, cognitive impairments, physical disabilities, explaining these to Hailey and each other and encouraging each of them to see each other for the beautiful person God made them but being free to work through their own thoughts, feelings and questions and grief - sometimes we did well, sometimes not so well and need to ask the kids for forgiveness and help!

I tried to do this on my own and change my attitude when needed, but I'd get knocked off center, just the normal challenges of the day (of course, in retrospect, right?!).  Dog gone it Jennie - Trust in the Lord, with ALL your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  Not part of it, not the easy parts, not the parts I think I need work on.  Give myself to Him and see the plans and paths He has for me.  Now, the human side of me still struggles with why me and why the kids, but - why not us?  Things happen, there's evil and bad situations in the world.  But I HAVE FAITH that He has a plan for me and for us for His plan, not just for my life.  Throughout the situations that come up, He will comfort us.  He will give us peace that passes all understanding.  He will take care of me and my family.  I love this quote from CS Lewis: "God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it; not without pain, but without stain."  We're not meant to live an easy life because we're Christian's, but when we experience God taking care of us, that's a show stopper.  When I was in the middle of the regret and struggles and sought Him, I never felt such peace.  I certainly am thankful I haven't had a life of daily battles, but the depths have magnified the joys.

This picture of Brennan and Landon is a snapshot of that - their relationship means SO MUCH, especially because of the life they've already lived and all that's impacting the life they're living!

Now the next big word, Acceptance.  I accepted diagnoses (though difficult too!), the modifications we needed to make at home, changes in how we parent and talk to each kid but also convey expectations for what they can do, changes in relationships, different lifestyle, many of the outside stuff; and my heart accepted my new life.  This stuff is hard, but I've accepted it's necessary.  That's the part of the cliche I would buy into, for as different as my life is now than I had planned, I wouldn't trade these kids.  Brennan, Landon and Brooke had a 15% chance of survival and I am blessed to have them, I remember that everyday.  I think Contentment is beyond Acceptance though.  Once I feel content, I can truly look forward, not just backward or in the day-to-day.  Maybe it's just semantics, but for me, it was a difference and has been in lots of areas.  

I just love the joy, love and laughter on their faces!  There's so much going on bigger than they know, but they don't worry.  It is what it is! :)

I think true Peace and Joy for me has come after I've become content with my life.  "The secret of being content in every situation..." is from God.  He's prepared my heart and changed my heart.  Situations aren't necessarily going to get easier, but how I navigate through them is.  I'm not fighting them (or the overall picture of my life) - I'm going with the flow, because I trust the Creator.  When I'm going with His flow, I'm aware of the teachable moments for myself or with my kids, I have energy, peace and patience for the challenges - I'm not leaning on myself.  I've seen parallels as I've had different seasons in my life - pretty sure that's God at work, getting me ready for the next thing in store, understanding Him better, understanding my kids better, understanding how He made me better; and I'm really excited!  

Never in a million years would I have expected to be living this life, but I'm thankful I serve a God that's bigger than my expectations and carries me through, no matter the specific situation or season!  

2014 Year in Review

The greatest thing about New Years for me is a time for reflection and looking forward to a newness!
I'm so thankful things are slowing down and I've actually HAD time for reflection!  2014 overall has been a year of exploration, discovery, and understanding in a lot of different ways.  Big milestones...at the tail end of 2013, we welcomed our newest...and last addition, Owen!; we became farmers in training with a much bigger garden and 10 ducks; I graduated with my MSW; Brooke & Brennan started general education classrooms with support; Hailey started 3rd Grade; Landon's continuing SXI at the local special education classroom.

Apart from those type of milestones, we've also reached a sweet spot as a family.  We're out of survival mode and assembly line care (mama's of multiples will understand!) and Brooke, Brennan and Landon are really growing into their own which is so helpful!  As they're growing, I'm noticing how different (and a little similar) they are.  And Hailey...3rd Grade is the new middle school, I feel like!!!  This is the where the part about the year of exploration, discovery and understanding comes in...

Hailey, Hailey, Hailey...she is so compassionate and really in touch with her feelings!  I've seen such growth and maturity from 2nd grade - summer - 3rd grade....I'm a little worried about what next year looks like! :)  Thankfully her character is developing right along and we've been talking through things.  One night she told me - emotions are tough! AMEN Hailey! Sometimes they do too much of the talking too and they get you in trouble! :)  She had her first major fit with friends at school this past year and handled it like a champ - this is where the exploration and understanding for me comes into play...she's of little words when something's up and I want to make sure she always feels like her feelings, concerns and problems are just as important to talk about (she's said it doesn't seem like a big deal with the other things we've got going on...YIKES!).  Hailey's a critical thinker and also so creative!  We've also had great conversations about how laws are formed and how to get your voice heard, why we believe what we do and why others do.  She designs and redesigns things, repurposes things, plans our parties, etc.  Always keeps it fun around here!  

Brennan is one of the SWEETEST kids I have ever met!  However, he also has a hard time communicating his needs, frustrations, etc. which unfortunately come often as he wants to do typical things but his really poor vision, balance trouble, very impulsiveness gets in the way.  The more I discover and understand, the more we can practice situations to help them come easier next time.  He's so open to it right now and I really want to take advantage of it!  He also LOVES to be super silly, Thomas the Train, and has a great imagination - he's given each of our family members a Thomas the Train character name and everyone plays along! :)

Landon is growing leaps and bounds!  He has done so well medically this past year, I was almost nervous to write that! :)  Without the medical issues being an issue last year, he's also made a lot of developmental progress too!  He's bearing a lot of weight, standing all the way upright often (instead of hunched over), rolling around, getting up on all-fours, intentionally manipulating toys.  To anyone else, these might look like such basic things for a 5 year old, (and they are), but it's HUGE for Landon and for the other kids to see that he's still learning.  It gives us so much hope!  This is where the exploration,, discovery and understanding come in...learning what motivates him, best techniques, what he enjoys and how to get what he needs to continue making progress he needs.

Brooklyn is all in in whatever situation; she's sweet, hilarious, developing a sense of compassion, very independent and very strong willed.  She is in love with Annie, American Girls, Hailey :) and really can enjoy just about anything else!  She's doing really good in Kindergarten for what we expected and know that she'll repeat when she moves to the same elementary school Hailey goes to next year.  The structure and flow is really what we felt like was the biggest thing to master but she's doing really good with reading, and is loving school (and like's the responsibility of having homework right now)!  Brooke also has a great imagination - so many times I need to check if she's talking to me or her toys...generally it's not me :)  The discovery and understanding for Brooke is that all-in piece...she has a hard time regulating once she's crossed the line and the more I understand what triggers, how to snap her out, etc, the better for her and for me :)

Owen is full of life!  He is the perfect addition in many ways.  Each of the other kids have a unique relationship with him and it's so sweet to see!  Owen turned 1 on Dec 19th and started confidently walking ON his birthday! His favorite toy of everything is an old jack in the box, he gets giddy when it pops up! He's so curious, loving, and silly - the other kids love getting him laughing!

As I've learned and understood more about myself and the need and gift to just straight up, rely on God, there's been such a freedom.  A lot has happened in 2014, will continue happening in 2015 and on and as New Years' comes and go. My resolutions are to learn better ways to get through.  Not only get through but enjoy and do His work, in my community and in my family.  For 2015, I want to take time.  Simply put. Take time fueling my soul in His word, in community, in service, reflect and learn, be present, spend time together, understand what makes each child (and my husband!) tick, what they need, help them communicate it to me, grow up with good character, help me understand what I need and communicate it to those that love me, the list can go on.

In 2014, our family lost really special people and Hailey reminded me, what I told her a few years ago when some died, "People die, Mom...I'm really sorry, but remember, it just happens?"  Sounds insensitive, but it really wasn't.  We've talked about we're humans, we have a time here on earth and what matters is what we do with it.  We've reflected on the lives they lived and impact they've had on us.  That perspective is what my New Year's Resolution is about; creating deeper relationships, open understanding, aligning priorities.  Here's the New Year's Resolutions for Brennan, Hailey & Brooklyn - the red words are the important part of their dream/wish for the upcoming year.  Pretty interesting and gives us insight! :)

I've been blessed with a pretty awesome family to nurture into another year - here's to 2015!

Hallelujah comfort

Back in the blogging world!  I started a Facebook post today, but it turned way long so I decided...brace yourselves...to BLOG about it!  My last post was really Nov 2012 and I can't commit to any sort of regular schedule and don't want to feel guilty when I don't make the deadlines.  :)  Here goes!  We've had so many experiences with the kids that have really made me think and tonight was no different...

Brooke didn't get a nap today because she had her first play date with a friend from school (which went GREAT!  The friend's mom had no idea Brooke was born so early - AMAZING!), then we went garage-saling (pretty much turned into a walk around a subdivision, but it was beautiful!) and played outside for a long time...needless to say, we were in for a rough night.  We were expecting some drama but she was in rare form.  She missed out on quiet time before bed as a consequence and I could hear her screaming all the way upstairs.  I went down to yell since it was bed time but when I opened her door she was sobbing, trying to calm down but still had a ways to go.  I sat on the edge of her bed and started rubbing her back to help, and between sobs, she asked me to sing "Hallelujah."  She's been hooked on that song since she was a baby (see an old blog post) and it's always made me smile, but tonight absolutely stopped me in my tracks.  I was mad, but that disappeared as we sang together of God's love...."amazing, steady and unchanging..a mountain firm beneath my feet."

Her little life is such a testimony!  4 years ago we had no idea what was in store for her and every milestone was a huge success.  We never knew if a developmental milestone could be her limit but she continues making such progress and praising God every minute!  A few minutes in, we started rockin it out in worship  She doesn't know the depth of that song, but it makes my heart swell knowing how much comfort she already experiences in Him.  Thanks for the reminder Brooke - "Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah your love makes me sing!"

Wise beyond her years

Friday night while putting Brennan and Brooke to bed Hailey was having a meltdown (thankfully they get fewer and fewer) and we told her she had to go to bed now too because she couldn't control herself. I had her in time out while I put B&B to bed then was able to focus on her. She went kicking and screaming and kept screaming because she was mad but I just went downstairs and wasn't going to fight with her about it. After about 10 minutes she came to the top of the stairs and apologized and wanted to talk. So proud of her for that! We've really been working with her to express her thoughts and feelings and our conversation upstairs broke my heart.
She had calmed herself down and said she didn't mean to be mean but sometimes when she starts crying because of being mad it turns to crying because she's sad and can't stop thinking of things that make her cry. (Ever done that? Start crying then your mind wanders to more sad things -yep I could relate.) I just asked what she was feeling and thinking about and she asked more questions about death...every couple of months it seems she gains a deeper understanding that needs to be processed and dots that need to be connected. I hate that she's experienced so much already but cherish her perspective and understanding. She was said because she thought Uncle Joe was hurting before he died and wondered if he died in the hospital too (like Katelyn). I said I didn't think so, they didn't have a lot of hospitals around in Afghanistan but that God took care of him every second until he died. She also said she was worried about Landon when he keeps going to the hospital and specifically brought up the time in April 2011 when he stopped breathing and had a seizure in the car and we had to meet and ambulance at a gas station....she was sitting right next to him in the van. I was trying to stay calm for her but was scared myself and apparently she was too. She's been around for 2 other ambulance calls and at the time seemed to be ok but is now connection the dots. I told her that she being sad was because she loved Landon and she repeated that she loved him so much (and she started crying harder). I assured her that Landon's doing great right now and we would tell her if he was ever dying - awful thing to have say about your son to his sister...We decided to pray that God would take the scared, mad and sad thoughts away and she asked me to for her because it would make her keep crying. (Gave a new meaning to praying on someone's behalf. There's been times I needed someone to pray for me because I couldn't). I gave her a hug and kiss and tucked her in bed and she went right to sleep.

Saturday when we prayed for lunch, she was thankful for her family, her dad that made a balance beam and uneven bars for her American Girl doll and for her mom understanding her last night. She melted my heart right then!

Hailey always has been wiser beyond her years, especially through her grief. I so wish I could take away her grief, her fear about Landon and the experiences that make her connect to death. I am so so thankful for God's peace and her faith and trust. She's a pretty awesome girl and her life will be used for great things!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween from some super awesome kids!!  Hailey is "Batman girl", Brennan is Batman, Brooke is Robin & Landon is a muscly Captain America!  This year's costumes were pretty easy to figure out - we've been in such awe of how awesome our kids are, they're total superhero's! Overcoming sickness, making huge developmental strides and being Hailey being flexible to roll with the what's next! 

Nich had to work tonight and I was not feeling brave enough to take the crew out by myself - so thankful one of our amazing babysitters stayed late tonight and went with us!  We went to the YMCA's trunk or treat (Hailey was super proud to show off where she goes after school and gymnastics!) then tried visiting Daddy at work but he couldn't get out of class.  Hailey was such a great helper and Brooke loved holding hands trick-or-treating with Hailey just ahead so it was a little more manageable.  Brennan was getting pretty tired but hung on, helping to push Landon in his chair and dancing to the music!  A little chaotic, a lot of fun and the kids had a great time!

Starting school!

Wow - has it really been since June that I posted?!  I started my MSW in June and between Nich & I working, my school and the kids school we've been running in fumes.  Sometimes I've had the time but not the energy, others I've had the energy (and started posts) but not the time - well, oddly enough at 6am on Monday morning I have both!  I woke up WIDE awake at 5am and tried willing myself back to sleep for the 30 minutes left before my alarm but didn't work. I could hear Landon up already making noises downstairs so got up and he and I had a nice leisurely morning before getting him on the bus.

Here's a photo collage of everyone's first day of school!  (You can click to make it bigger.)  Hailey's in 1st grade this year and loves it!  She's struggling a bit staying in her seat - she's too much of a social butterfly!  Brennan and Brooke are in the same class at the ISD Early Childhood Program (mild classroom) in our town where they work on Preschool stuff and still see OT, PT and Speech Therapy.  Landon is in the Severely Multiply Impaired (SXI) Class at the main ISD building and he's developing so well!  They mostly work on therapy and independent type stuff, he's not ready yet for academic school skills.     

Hailey is now counting over 100, knows her odd & even numbers and is working on adding.  She can also read really well and is having weekly spelling tests - 1st grade is much different than Kindergarten but she loves learning!  Brennan is talking so much!  He's able to identify pictures and objects by name, knows his colors, playing appropriately and is starting to form sentences to say what he wants!  Brooklyn is jabbering like crazy!  She's speaking in paragraphs! :)  Her diva-ness is starting to wear off a bit as she's able to communicate what she wants and she's actually a huge helper!  She loves playing kitchen, coloring, playing baby (dolls and with Landon!) and reading.  Landon is making huge progress too!  He gets on the bus at 6am and is happy to go to school!  They're working with him on his hearing aids, standing, sitting independently and playing and he's doing so well!  I'm really impressed with the teachers and staff there - they are so compassionate and really love their kids!  A few weeks ago we got a note home from his teacher saying Landon is such a joy to have in class! 

Now on to get another kid up and ready for school! I'll try to post soon (anyone reading this - hold me to it!!) more in depth their personalities and developments. I'm so proud of them!  It's absolutely incredible how far they've come in so many ways!  We praise God for His healing and strength in them!

Boys speech progress!!

Here's a couple videos that made me cry!  The boys are doing so well!  Last week we got the approval from Speech Therapy to start feeding him at home!  In the past when we've tried he's had a lot of oral aversion and wouldn't let us touch his mouth.  We've done a lot of work with therapy and the vibrating toothbrush at home and now he always has his hands in his mouth, making noises and swallowing without gagging!  He welcomes the food!

Brennan has really been working on talking and the last few weeks he's really taking off!  He can count up to 5, repeat his colors and now pretty much repeat anything you say!  Tonight Brooke was listening to Hallelujah and I asked Brennan if he could sing too...here's Brennan "singing"!  Sorry, my voice is really loud but listen towards the end, he claps for himself and says "I singing!"  He didn't repeat but came up with a sentence on his own!  Oh man, I'm so proud of him!!!

Thank you so much for all your continued prayers and support for the kids, they really are miracles!  Definitely not the typical 23 weekers!