Friday, November 4, 2016

God for an advocate, we need only to be still

Landon's in the hospital again, and though it stinks, I'm thankful for the time with him, time to be still and reflect. I could be doing other things (sometimes feel stressed and guilty about the other things I'm not able to do!) but MY SON IS IN THE HOSPITAL - that's my priority and I need to remember and settle with that. Hospital stays and medical complications have become such a norm, this may sound strange, but it's easy to minimize and feel like just another thing. This stay has been like that and I'm glad for the wake up call. Not in an emergency way, but reflectively!

Thankfully it's been one of the most stable and mild hospital stays, but that's easy for me to think I can handle this...Landon was a little sick the last few days but Wednesday afternoon vommited and had several seizures over 1.5 hours which didn't stop with our rescue meds. I have a hospital bag packed so quickly grabbed that, easily explained what was happening to the other kids (they're unfortunately used to the ambulance coming and just asked how serious on a scale from bad, medium and ok), and prepped for the routine. We ended up in one emergency room, transferred to another hospital emergency room then admitted. We got settled in the room at 2:30am; but had several interruptions with monitors and IV beeps, staff questions, etc til morning (so not much sleep). Throughout the first day, he surprisingly got much better and I was anxious for them to wean him a little faster because we can do a lot of care at home. The second night was another with very little sleep, not due to his medical status, but he was so restless, IV equipment beeps, general traffic and hospital noise. Most stays, I feel I'm able to keep things together, manage sleep, emotions and other responsibilities but this one - just minor challenges (though they didn't seem like it in the moment!) caused a breakdown.

Early this morning, we were up so frequently and realized I was run down, and definitely not depending on God. I prayed for Him to take over.  I washed my face and tried to go back to sleep, only to be woken just a few minutes later - the nurse realized my concern and acted on my behalf - this time it was the doc, at 4am wanting to hear what I was worried about. Another moment of exhaustion came out during rounds this morning, and I wasn't speaking as eloquently as I would've liked :) The nurse helped explain, the docs talked to me afterward and are following up with other services for me.  Now, I'm a mom, but sometimes mama bear comes out which isn't always productive. This hospital stay, Landon's been doing great but I've quickly become exhausted and easily stressed. When I had a chance to reflect, the verse in Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" kept resonating with me. 

The verse doesn't tell us to just sit idely - it says to be still. Psalm 46:10 remind us what to do when we're still - "be still and know that I am God. I've been emotional and for a stay that "should've been routine" and "I should've been able to manage", others have stepped in to help Landon for me. I'm so used to needing to advocate for him and am thankful for others just stepping in - definitely humbling this hospital stay! That's God at work right there. A reminder that He's God - the one who gives us all - endurance, strength, rest, each breath and takes care of us in unexpected ways.

rocked Landon at 6:30am, and that was the first time he fell soundly asleep. After rounds he was ready to get up and this morning we just played, rocked, cuddled, sang. He needs me as a mom and that's what I need to be right now. God's got things under control. My God is God, much bigger than I can comprehend!