Monday, April 11, 2016

Chaos and Keeping my Eyes Above the Waves!

I honestly started this post months ago, but can pick up right where I left off because quite often lately I've been at my wits end with the kids and this whole parenting thing..I'm so thankful for a perspective change that has helped me break my cycle - just wish I would've turned to Him sooner! :)  I honestly don't know why, but I didn't think to bring my daily struggles, emptiness, from parenting to Him.  He's proven time and time again to take care of me with the big stuff, why haven't I given Him my daily?

There's been a lot more going on at work and outside of work, (it's IEP season for 3 kids, finishing some home projects, Owen's trying 2's, to name a few...) and it's not uncommon for me to feel behind the ball a bit.  Collectively, it feels like the kids have known the buttons to push and when my stress level are high, so when to strike! I know, they're also triggered by my stress but when I'm feeling like that, logic isn't really top of mind.    

I talked with Brennan, Hailey, and Brooke (to the extent possible) about what I saw as things they could do more of to help out. I feel like I'm repeating myself far too much, giving instructions for what I feel should be expected, really wanting (needing!) them to step up their game to help ME out.

Some of those talks went ok, but the change didn't last long (because they're young!), other times they were filled with emotions.  In one of those emotion-filled conversations with Hailey, she said it's just hard having 5 kids, I didn't see what she needed, etc...and she was right.  She knows she needs to be a team player (and is in so many ways!!), but looking back, she also needs to feel seen and heard.  The stress and emotions are catchy and Landon starts crying, Owen runs and gets into what seems like everything.  So easily, Brennan gets extra upset by all the energy in the house in the moment and has a hard time calming down.  Brooke talks louder to be heard and comes into the room, everyone's tolerance is low - and now we have a chaotic time.  Moments like this I crave the quiet and the still water mentioned in Psalm 23:2.

But today I realized, the rest of the verse - I don't happen upon the still water, the Shepherd leads me beside still water.  I need to be following the Shepherd and be listening for Him.  In church today we sang Oceans, by's the lyrics I really needed -

"I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves
When the oceans rise, my soul finds rest

In Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine"    

I was hoping for my eyes to stay above the waves on my own, but I need the Shepherd to lead me to the still water and I need to recognize I can't do it on my own, I need to call upon His name.  I will find my rest in Him.  I've felt pretty drained and let the things I'm doing add stress because I'm not finding daily "fill me up" rest in His embrace.  At church today, I really thought, has it really been a week since we've been to church?!  It has!  I need His embrace to keep me even keel - above the waves.

I wrote an apology letter to Hailey during quiet time and she wrote one back and gave me a deep hug, telling me how much she loved me.  Brooklyn finished up her all about me questionnaire tonight and she was asked who do you admire - and she said mom.  I'm thankful for the fill me up today!  My joy, my rest and my strength comes from You.  Not just in the big, but EVERYday!   


Britt said...

Ooh I wish I lived closer to help you out or take you out for a break! I can totally image that you could feel like you're drowning in the crazy life you live and while we think you're a super human, you are still a human!!!! But you're right, we have a Super God!!! I love you and look up to you so much as a parent!!!