The messy side of prematurity

In the NICU we learned about the medical risks of prematurity - how to keep their health stable. We learned about the physical risks - their vision, hearing, muscle development and risk for cerebral palsy. The area we didn't talk much about? The neurological and emotional risks...those are hidden disabilities and challenges that can make some of the other risks be handled in stride or a tougher battle. 

From birth each baby was so different! Sure, as they've grown we can tell which parent they take after more or collectively that our kids our connected...but even before that, Brennan was sweet and laid back, Landon was happy and unpredictable and Brooke was intense and more temperamental. They're maturing, developing and gaining skills, but those personality traits have served them well.

Fast forward to mastering skills, communication, making choices, critical thinking, impact of friends - that's neurological and emotional. One kiddo struggles regulating emotions, more than the others. Ironically, that's often associated with prematurity. This kid is wired uniquely, perceives things uniquely and needs uniquely. Though they were born a set, they're so different.

When emotions are regulated, situations happen, conversations happen, decisions can be made pretty evenly. When they're not regulated, emotions get in the way of how those situations are perceived, how communication happens, whether or not decisions can even be made...

This past weekend was a breakpoint for that one kiddo. It was messy, really messy. Emotions were raw and all over the place. The last week or so, was kinda like an emotional highway...some turns and hills and some straightaways.  Saturday all bets were off - strategies weren't working, they were just get more emotional and less thoughtful until it clicked.

After the breaking point and we got the kiddo into a relaxing bath, their emotions starting coming down, like the other side of the mountain...they accepted (and did) the consequences they had earned and spoke calmly. While they were in the bath though, I went back to the kitchen where the breakdown happened and was struck by the mess...Kleenexes, balled up paper, pencils and notebooks, so many emotions, frantic, and overwhelmed - then the Bible verse reminder for the upcoming week defining and describing LOVE. What a day for that verse to be our tone for the week! 

Themes throughout the service Sunday was compassion, entering into each other's pain and how much we need God and being Christ to others. Just the conviction I needed...this afternoon, this one was in a great mood to learn and we went through 8 tips to control emotions. We talked about so many emotions (like a bazillion - their words!) slowing down to feel them, recognizing how situations are impacted by emotions from their perspective. They were unbelievably thoughtful, compassionate and kind!  I'm sure we'll have a ton more conversations and hopefully they'll be like this! This one is beautifully made - the intensity that helped them survive, though a challenge now, will be a force channeled for love so deeply and fully!

Writing this more for me to process and remember than anything (!) but it might resonate with some other families in a "mess" right now. As a parent it's so hard to try to continually teach and explain, (often feeling like it falls on deaf or unwilling ears), but how incredible when God works and helps them understand! He knows how we're uniquely wired, made and gifted and will remold messes into creations. (I'm sure He's working on my heart, patience and perspective as much as them handling their emotions!) Saturday started pretty awful, but this weekend ended with lots of beautiful moments! 

God moves in incredible ways!

When God moves so deeply, you can't help but share! Our family has grown in so many ways this last month - starting new routines, middle school (yikes!), new abilities and our family grew by two! In all this growing, we certainly craved normalcy, things to stay the same, but by taking a step back - there's no way not to change! We're constantly on this journey...our entire blog is called Pollak Family - We're Growing for good reason! :)

In all this change my faith has been made so real and grown so much! Much more than just concepts I believed. Nich & I really do make a great team, and I've learned there's no small way of doing things for us :) Yes, our plates were already full with our family, work, volunteering and other commitments, but God's call was so strong and He's provided the resources, endurance, patience, balance, etc to make things work and to know we're following and doing His work. Last November we felt a strong calling to become a foster family and for the last month have welcomed 2 little boys to our home. Plates became fuller, our dependence and God's grace much more abundant! :)

Over the years, there's been many times God has been so real to me - giving direction when options seemed cloudy, rest and comfort when I'm weary, and contentment when I'm anxious or jealous. Preparing us. This last month, God has been moving in us to blindly, intentionally, willingly follow Him. As a family, we've faced challenges that made us doubt whether we were still on His path, what He has for us, question our willingness (even out loud!) and situations led us to be humble, broken sometimes to utter dependence and in a prime spot to be ministered to. My ears, eyes and heart were ready and so hungry to hear from Him. He reminded me of His power, plan and guidance way back to Moses in Exodus - "You need only to Be Still." God's at work, orchestrating so much more than we can see! I I need to be listening, ready, praying for discernment for when He's ready for me. That's an incredible place to be! 

Last week was especially tough and we ended up with a pretty critical & stressful moment for one of the kiddos, and through this wrestle, God surrounded us with such affirmation my heart was about to explode! It was definitely a Kingdom moment - the message at church last week seemed to use scripture, song and reflections of past lessons that God's already worked through to culminate all my doubts and worries and He took them. I was such a mess! :) He loves us so much and I believe is so eager for us to follow without hindrance the life He has for us, blessing and serving others, and gives us what we need to do His work! So often we miss the opportunities because we get so caught up with the worries and day to day of this world that we don't "raise our gaze heavenward" and get a chance to do what we were truly made for!

Man, I hope this conveys the joy and just life I've felt in the midst of such tough stuff knowing we're doing what we're made for! What a God we serve! 

The next chapter!

Foster care has been on many of our hearts for years...sometimes for a brief time, sometimes on a couple of ours, but this past Thanksgiving God put a heavy tug on mine, Nich, Hailey & Brooke's at the same time. We prayed about the timing, our family, the agency, the logistics (!) and felt such a peace and direction that we knew this was the next chapter for us!

It's absolutely amazing to see how God works; looking back it's easy to see how the seasons and lessons He's brought us through has prepared for this next step. Surviving and managing life with many young kids will help us acclimate others into our care. Balancing medical & development issues with typical kiddos has helped us see each kid uniquely, think creatively, trust God and ourselves, savor moments and get our work done quickly! It's also helped our kids be more understanding, patient and compassionate with others. We've been blessed with this house and have room to share and supportive family & friends too! Personally, I've grown (and continue to grow!) in ways to accept and love the life God's given me and to trust - He has a beautiful plan bigger than I can see and He's got it under control. A few years ago I wrestled with not serving in a ministry, but He reassured me that timing was to minister and build up my family. We'll always have areas to grow and challenges to face, but I believe the kids have a good foundation...we got through a tough season and are stronger, even more ready to serve as a family!

After several months of learning and licensing, our family was officially licensed  to care for foster kids Friday! Our home is prepared, our hearts are ready and we're eager to welcome kids into our home! We'll likely be ready early July!

Please pray for our family that we continue to seek God during the transitions, continue traditions and conversations. We're prepared in our heads - pray that comes out in our hearts and lives in the moment as we care for new kiddos!

God for an advocate, we need only to be still

Landon's in the hospital again, and though it stinks, I'm thankful for the time with him, time to be still and reflect. I could be doing other things (sometimes feel stressed and guilty about the other things I'm not able to do!) but MY SON IS IN THE HOSPITAL - that's my priority and I need to remember and settle with that. Hospital stays and medical complications have become such a norm, this may sound strange, but it's easy to minimize and feel like just another thing. This stay has been like that and I'm glad for the wake up call. Not in an emergency way, but reflectively!

Thankfully it's been one of the most stable and mild hospital stays, but that's easy for me to think I can handle this...Landon was a little sick the last few days but Wednesday afternoon vommited and had several seizures over 1.5 hours which didn't stop with our rescue meds. I have a hospital bag packed so quickly grabbed that, easily explained what was happening to the other kids (they're unfortunately used to the ambulance coming and just asked how serious on a scale from bad, medium and ok), and prepped for the routine. We ended up in one emergency room, transferred to another hospital emergency room then admitted. We got settled in the room at 2:30am; but had several interruptions with monitors and IV beeps, staff questions, etc til morning (so not much sleep). Throughout the first day, he surprisingly got much better and I was anxious for them to wean him a little faster because we can do a lot of care at home. The second night was another with very little sleep, not due to his medical status, but he was so restless, IV equipment beeps, general traffic and hospital noise. Most stays, I feel I'm able to keep things together, manage sleep, emotions and other responsibilities but this one - just minor challenges (though they didn't seem like it in the moment!) caused a breakdown.

Early this morning, we were up so frequently and realized I was run down, and definitely not depending on God. I prayed for Him to take over.  I washed my face and tried to go back to sleep, only to be woken just a few minutes later - the nurse realized my concern and acted on my behalf - this time it was the doc, at 4am wanting to hear what I was worried about. Another moment of exhaustion came out during rounds this morning, and I wasn't speaking as eloquently as I would've liked :) The nurse helped explain, the docs talked to me afterward and are following up with other services for me.  Now, I'm a mom, but sometimes mama bear comes out which isn't always productive. This hospital stay, Landon's been doing great but I've quickly become exhausted and easily stressed. When I had a chance to reflect, the verse in Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" kept resonating with me. 

The verse doesn't tell us to just sit idely - it says to be still. Psalm 46:10 remind us what to do when we're still - "be still and know that I am God. I've been emotional and for a stay that "should've been routine" and "I should've been able to manage", others have stepped in to help Landon for me. I'm so used to needing to advocate for him and am thankful for others just stepping in - definitely humbling this hospital stay! That's God at work right there. A reminder that He's God - the one who gives us all - endurance, strength, rest, each breath and takes care of us in unexpected ways.

I rocked Landon at 6:30am, and that was the first time he fell soundly asleep. After rounds he was ready to get up and this morning we just played, rocked, cuddled, sang. He needs me as a mom and that's what I need to be right now. God's got things under control. My God is God, much bigger than I can comprehend! 

7 years

Wow - it's been 7 years since our quads were born. 7 years today they became triplets to new people that would meet them. A lot happens in 7 years. You do a lot, you think a lot, you feel a lot, those around you do too! 

Kids grow up. New kids come along. You get through the day-to-day. You do extraordinary things. You go on vacations. You move, you might build a farm :) You have fun and enjoy life.

You wonder why, with so so many questions. You're jealous. You have doubts. You find clarity and glimpses of a plan larger than yourself.

You grieve. You're angry. You're scared for your other kids. You feel all sorts of feelings. Your emotions move quickly. You find peace and source of calmness. 

Some things stay the same. Some feelings are still there, yet not as near the surface. Today my thoughts wandered, in sweetness, not pain. Katelyn's life was not lived out physically on earth, but lives very much in our hearts and our home. Her life and death has changed our lives, our perspectives, the conversations amongst all of us, such big life and God concepts simplified to explain to kids. 

Each year, we've sent balloons in the air, but today I told Hailey (first) that today is Katelyn's Heaven Day - anniversary of her death - and asked if she wanted to send balloons. She already knew today was the day and found comfort in sending balloons to remember. It was like a relay...Brooke walked in while we were talking, so started the conversation all over again but Hailey shared. Brooke wanted to send balloons and also wanted to talk about what Katelyn would've been like, would've looked like. Brennan overheard and wondered what we were talking about. I said it was the day his sister died several years before, he said her name, and that he missed her. Wondered when she felt better. This year was a deeper understanding for Brennan and Brooke, and always for us too!  

This year we chose our favorite color balloons (so she could get to know us!) and let them loose tonight. 

Thankfully they didn't get stuck in any trees! 

Hailey, Owen and I worked in the memorial flower garden made last year!

There weren't many tears today, but a lot of hugs. We were gentle with each other tonight. That's the sweetness and the impact she's made. 

Love you sweet girl! 

Answered prayers in strange circumstances!

This might sound a bit odd, but stick with me! God answers prayer in the strangest circumstances sometimes! 

We had a rough week and a really rough weekend of the kids listening, doing what they know they should be doing around the house, etc which means lots of reminders, attitude, consequences...not the makings of a great summer break, right?! This weekend especially Brooke was struggling a lot with something and it was catchy with the rest of the family. There were some kind moments, but an overwhelming amount of attitude, impulsive comments and behavior, doing what she wanted despite the impact it had on others...when she's in the mode, she forgets to listen to her body and we end up with accidents. Not cool when she's capable, see our perpetuating cycle? We had a family circle meeting - talking seriously about what our family looks like, how we relate to and help each other, and ask for help or a break, and challenged each of us to show each family member love or kindness at some point during the day - every day. 

The next day was another struggle for many kids, but again Brooke specifically. When we had time to talk, I checked in on her challenge. She answered honestly and by 6pm said she was only kind to Landon by helping him get a toy. Yikes! still time to turn it around - no wonder it's been rough though! 

Next day, a good day for a few kids, but again rough for Brooke. Friday we had bought a slip n slide but we were in no shape to use it til Sunday. Brooke had to sit out as a consequence (our theory is they're learning-consequences and when smaller ones don't work, we need bigger consequences). It hurt for her to not play, but after calming down, she, Landon, and I sat on the porch and talked about her thoughts and feelings. There's a lot in there! :)

Fast forward, rough day today with a sitter and I was feeling at my wits end. Looking back at my words with her for the last few days, it was pretty negative and that's hard - she didn't do much to hold up her end, but I was really at a loss to help her! I told her, God trusted Mom and Dad to help raise you guys to be like Him and I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job - help me out here! 

Remember that post about keep my eyes about the waves? She saw a poster of that phrase in my computer last night...Today's devotional was about Paul's thorn in his flesh (in this worldly place). Boy, this sounds bad, but this weekend I felt like I had a 6 yr old thorn! Then I was reminded about her thorns. How badly I wanted this to change, I bet she does too but doesn't have the words for it! Paul said he boasted about his weakness because in that, God's power is made strong! These are lessons He's teaching me, but I couldn't see the birds eye view in the thick of it this weekend!

Today I asked for help praying to figure out how to help her, stick with consequences and show her love. It wasn't until a few steps into the answer did I see, but God answered - in the middle of the mess tonight, when I recognized my need for him. During devotions tonight she stopped and said she need to go potty (end up having diaherra...). From the bathroom she called for me to help since she didn't feel well. God gave me compassion and not frustration. She talked calmly about how she was feeling (I'll spare you the details!) and suggested we read Corduroy while she keeps trying. Well, it took so long that Nich told her he'd finish devotions with the others and she said (not pouted or yelled) that she was disappointed but I offered to read it together just us after she was done. She finished on the potty, stayed calm, we read about nothing being impossible with God (how fitting right?!). She remembered a time when the Israelites were leaving Antartica :) and it seemed impossible but God helped. I told her about a time something seemed really hard (figuring out how to move past the weekend) but I prayed and needed help praying because I was really frustrated and God helped make it possible and spending time with her way sweeter! 

Seriously?! God, I'm so thankful You're in our everyday and helping us navigate through this life for what You have in store! 

Truths found in the seeking

I've started this post several times but haven't had the time, or the clarity to put it all together til now. I'm so thankful for the way God works - when we can see the puzzle pieces falling into place! Hopefully this comes out as it is in my head and my heart!

The last few months it seems like we've had more and more conversations with the kids, understanding things from their perspective. General stuff - school, growing up, living with each other, friends, their feelings, etc. Also it seems like we've had more doctor appointments that have been straightforward about what the kids are dealing with - not just from a health maintenance standpoint, but giving us a glimpse into their day to day (hearing, vision, pain, stimulation, etc). Often, I think we (and really adults in general) forget how big and how real the challenges kids are facing! I know I do! I'm so glad to get that deeper understanding and to be able to talk about, though it often sparks some pretty interesting discussions. With the kids, depending on the challenge they're facing, it can take us a lot of ways, right?  Sometimes we trivialize the issue or their feelings, sometimes wonder why the situation happened to us/our kids, sometimes we blame whatever caused the issue. I've been really humbled hearing from their perspective, challenges they're facing.

When Landon was in this hospital last month, I read an article in a parenting magazine that asked how do you answer the question, "why me? why my child?". There were a lot of answers in the article from parents (and I think I would've answered this a lot of different ways over the last 6 years!), but the point of the article says our "answers will vary, but the importance is in seeking our own truth."

How true is that! In any change that's done to us, is natural to question why and try to make an understanding of it. Our answers will probably change as we move through - as we process, grieve, reflect, live. The quote says the importance is in seeking our own truth. Not taking someone else's, not happening upon, but is found IN seeking what makes sense, what's true for us. 

I think the process of seeking is just as important as what happened (the event, diagnosis, etc) and the truth that's found. Situations will keep happening and I need to continually seek and know myself and the journey I'm on. This isn't always pretty stuff - I know for me, I've wrestled with guilt, blame, resentment, envy for the life others lived that I wish I had (or I had planned). Working through this stuff has also given me crazy joy, gratefulness, hope too. Not going through life with a rosy sunglasses (!), but working through stuff changes you and can help give you a different perspective, right? I've written about this before if you're eager to read about my journey....and it wasn't a one time aha moment! :) 

Landon's last hospital stay, he ended up struggling to breathe on a ventilator because he aspirated his vomit from a seizure. There's definitely been "why my kid" thoughts, but that's not helpful for me. The overarching TRUTH I was reminded of yesterday at church, we live in a broken world, we're human and God is using us, our situations to show us Himself. God's plan is to bring us closer to him. So there's no room for the "why me, why my family" comments, it's the chance for us to cling to God. When we continue on in the challenge, through the challenge, despite the challenge - It's in those moments that it's obvious it's not us, but God! Use us, do a good work through us, bring Your glory!

In the conversations we've had with the kids about how they tick - they could be different yes, but no worse than anyone else...they're still beautiful creations. We're all jars of clay created not of perfect gold so God can use us and He can been seen. If we were perfect, would we depend on him and would others see Him living in us? 

When we talk about what their friends have said, how they've felt - we're human, but let God help you respond - us respond - and don't find your worth in your friends. Man, it breaks my heart to hear them feel left out, that they're starting to understand how people view others, but continue loving and being you! 

When we understand more from a medical standpoint how their lives are and likely will be impacted, it's frustrating to think of how to adapt, but you do and encourage them to keep striving, learning, enjoying life!

There's many truths and my journey has helped me really start to understand them. God is enough for all the challenges I'll face. Sometimes I need reminders when the the challenge seems bigger and more central. Perspective...Jennie...perspective! I pray I can help my kids turn to Him or start to straight up rely on God. I know they'll find their truths as they grow, and need to seek and find in their own time. I'm thankful for what my journey has taught me so far and the promise of what's ahead!

Chaos and Keeping my Eyes Above the Waves!

I honestly started this post months ago, but can pick up right where I left off because quite often lately I've been at my wits end with the kids and this whole parenting thing..I'm so thankful for a perspective change that has helped me break my cycle - just wish I would've turned to Him sooner! :)  I honestly don't know why, but I didn't think to bring my daily struggles, emptiness, from parenting to Him.  He's proven time and time again to take care of me with the big stuff, why haven't I given Him my daily?

There's been a lot more going on at work and outside of work, (it's IEP season for 3 kids, finishing some home projects, Owen's trying 2's, to name a few...) and it's not uncommon for me to feel behind the ball a bit.  Collectively, it feels like the kids have known the buttons to push and when my stress level are high, so when to strike! I know, they're also triggered by my stress but when I'm feeling like that, logic isn't really top of mind.    

I talked with Brennan, Hailey, and Brooke (to the extent possible) about what I saw as things they could do more of to help out. I feel like I'm repeating myself far too much, giving instructions for what I feel should be expected, really wanting (needing!) them to step up their game to help ME out.

Some of those talks went ok, but the change didn't last long (because they're young!), other times they were filled with emotions.  In one of those emotion-filled conversations with Hailey, she said it's just hard having 5 kids, I didn't see what she needed, etc...and she was right.  She knows she needs to be a team player (and is in so many ways!!), but looking back, she also needs to feel seen and heard.  The stress and emotions are catchy and Landon starts crying, Owen runs and gets into what seems like everything.  So easily, Brennan gets extra upset by all the energy in the house in the moment and has a hard time calming down.  Brooke talks louder to be heard and comes into the room, everyone's tolerance is low - and now we have a chaotic time.  Moments like this I crave the quiet and the still water mentioned in Psalm 23:2.

But today I realized, the rest of the verse - I don't happen upon the still water, the Shepherd leads me beside still water.  I need to be following the Shepherd and be listening for Him.  In church today we sang Oceans, by Hillsong...here's the lyrics I really needed -

"I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

When the oceans rise, my soul finds rest

In Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine"    

I was hoping for my eyes to stay above the waves on my own, but I need the Shepherd to lead me to the still water and I need to recognize I can't do it on my own, I need to call upon His name.  I will find my rest in Him.  I've felt pretty drained and let the things I'm doing add stress because I'm not finding daily "fill me up" rest in His embrace.  At church today, I really thought, has it really been a week since we've been to church?!  It has!  I need His embrace to keep me even keel - above the waves.

I wrote an apology letter to Hailey during quiet time and she wrote one back and gave me a deep hug, telling me how much she loved me.  Brooklyn finished up her all about me questionnaire tonight and she was asked who do you admire - and she said mom.  I'm thankful for the fill me up today!  My joy, my rest and my strength comes from You.  Not just in the big, but EVERYday!   

Happy New Year 2016!

We rang in 2016 celebrating in Orlando, FL this year! A great way to end a fun surprise Christmas family vacation! 

Trying to squeeze everyone in the picture! 

"Chinking" our glasses and everyone thinks it's hilarious to give bunny ears!

Serious pose (apparently!) of the boys! This was Owen's first time having sparkling juice and he LOVED it!

I really love to reminisce a bit and look back over the whole year, seeing a bigger piece of our life's puzzle each New Year. See where we're at as a family, each kid individually and our relationships together, what's important to us, how we've grown, what we've accomplished, etc. It's a reminder we're on a journey and growing. Our lives are paths that can be winding - they should and do change - we need to keep growing! 

At church we've been talking about ensuring our navigation is set on course, if even a few degrees off, we'll miss the mark planned for us. We can realign Who is our compass, adjust our priorities, remove distractions but need to be able to hear His voice to guide. That's been really powerful for me. To strive to live intentionally, not just get by, survive, reflect, but be present and focused so my actions, words, and attitude are intentional and in line with God's perspective. I've been fortunate to have supportive friends (and husband!)  to help lend His perspective when I get caught up in the short sightedness of situations - work in progress! :)

Looking at 2015 as a puzzle piece, or season, it truly has been one of discovery. I'm so thankful for that! We've embraced our family, intentionally invested in our faith and building a foundation for our kids, had many meaningful conversations, tried new techniques and therapies in development, parenting and discipline. We're finding our routine and navigating through new experiences, supporting each other and loving each other.

We also took 2 awesome family road trip vacations to Massachusetts and Florida that we're sure to remember! We survived and had a lot of fun! Nich and I celebrated 10 forever years of marriage! Landon had major surgery (double hip reconstruction) with a long recovery. Hailey, Brooke and I got involved in American Heritage Girls. Brennan and Brooke finished their first year of general Ed with flying colors and started in the same Kindergarten class! Brennan's learning Braille and Brooke and Hailey are excited to read with him. Hailey joined Kinex program at school to support fellow students with disabilities. Brennan and Brooke worked through challenges on the bus. Owen started talking and is continuing to learn and grow!

So as has become our tradition, the kid's came up with their New Year's Resolutions: 

- Hailey: to make a Hershey Kiss (We planned our next vacation to Hershey, PA and Virginia!)

- Brennan: to make marshmallows

- Brooke: to show others love 

each day

I love seeing a glimpse into what's important for them, or just what's on their mind :) We'll see how we do this upcoming year! Here's to 2015 and looking forward to what's in store in 2016!

The New Piece of Brennan's Sight Journey

Brennan's vision has been a challenge since he was born; his prematurity and underdeveloped eyes, then compounded by needing so much oxygen for so long did quite a bit of damage.  It's been quite a journey trying to understand what he sees and what he needs to see best.  Each stage brought different pieces of information, levels of understanding and ways of trying...
  

When he was a baby, we relied on the doctors and tests to tell us what he could see and when he needed more surgery to help reconstruct his eyes from his retina detachment and strabisimus but we kinda needed to wait til he grew up more and his eyes developed more to learn more.

When he was a toddler, a lot of other issues came into play that clouded the picture - as he started walking, we learned he had a balance disorder, but that also looked like it was because of his trouble seeing.  He loved to bounce and we learned he had sensory processing disorder and needs high input, but it sure looked like he was trying to move his head & body to keep up with his racing eyes.  We also started noticing that there might be problem with his vision field (not just the strength of his glasses prescription).  He started talking (a bit delayed) then we could FINALLY ask him what he sees!  He had some cognitive delays that impacted his comprehension of our questions & his answers, speech delays and mumbling that made it hard for us and frustrating for him.  We did learn that he could make out some images from a distance, but to focus, he needed to see the object from the bottom left part of his left eye.
 

When he was a preschooler, the schools and therapists got involved, along with daily learning at home.  There was a lot of focus on new learning that challenged him which (good & bad) really brought out the deficits and the need to figure out how to help him communicate.  He worked on learning academically and relaying what he was learning.  We kept trying to sort out sensory, balance, vision, possible cognitive delay, emotions and behaviors as he faced new experiences, expectations and challenges.  Some things are easy to sort out, some crossed issues and others we're still not sure...  School introduced several new techniques, large print and even a large touch screen computer!  He was so eager to learn, willing to try new things, excited, but also got frustrated and wanted to do more at times.  He mastered recognizing his letters, numbers and colors!  His brain grew so much but couldn't get it out fast enough!  He really made so much progress during preschool!

Now, he's a Kindergartner!  We're continuing to sort things out, determine the best strategies to help him learn, navigate the world - and he really is doing great!  He can walk down steps, put on shoes, find things he's looking for by himself.  This year in school he's focusing on reading print and writing which are really hard for him.  He can use the computer well, but we tried large print, writing with dark markers and haven't been successful to his standards yet.  He can't read what he's written, or tell what he's drawn afterward and gets disappointed.  The books are blown up so large, the papers are clumsy to use for him and he's gotten frustrated.  Don't get me wrong, he's such a happy kid still and it's hard to see him get frustrated!  The newest thing this year we've tried...Braille!  He was getting pretty frustrated and he is so smart, we needed to try something else.  We talked with the National Federation of the Blind representative and the school vision specialist introduced it this week and he embraced it!

I'm not going to lie, I was excited about him trying Braille when we were first talking about it, but now that it's a reality, it took a bit of acceptance.  I'm so thrilled for him to have a great method to read and write!  I'm also a bit overwhelmed at needing to learn another language and the thought of another adjustment for our family.  The day he learned about Braille, we talked about it at dinner and Hailey was so excited.  She had just learned about Helen Keller and how important Braille is for people to communicate!  She asked Brennan what class he learned it in so she could join him one day to learn too...precious girl!  I've said it before, but she is the perfect sister for these kids. :)  After he get's a good handle on it (or probably while he's learning too!) we're going to all learn together so he can read to us!  Of course, he'll continuing using his vision too, but knowing Braille will make communicating less frustrating for him - he'll have another tool and not have to work so hard at it.  It's another adjustment, but we've been through quite a bit of adjustments already and are starting to know the drill.  Don't get too comfortable with status quo - there's always something else in store!  

Welcome to Our Family

What a great project we made over the weekend - a welcome sign for our front porch with Hailey, Brennan & Brooke's input to describe just what we were welcoming people to!  :)

Welcome to our Home.  We're Loud, Crazy, Unique, Snuggly, Playful, Friendly, Real & We Believe in Each Other! 

We had a sign that needed some repurposing love and Pinterest inspired idea that we totally made our own!  We sat around the table and Brennan, Hailey & Brooke came up with the words that describe our family then voted on which would make the sign.  We also came up with: accident-prone, kind, messy, energetic, fun, loving, happy and curious.  It was so interesting to learn how the kids would describe our family!

Lately, we've had a good share of good times and rough times; I keep reminding myself that's part of parenting and raising kids to be adults with sound values and good adjectives that describe them too, right?!  My New Year's resolution was to get to know each of the kids better and deeper, focus on building the firm foundation.  It hasn't all been perfect, but we've intentionally worked through emotions, attitudes, tiredness, to try to create relationships and a home of feeling safe, understood and supported.  This project gave me encouragement that we're on the right track!  We've had it on the porch for a few days and the kids have said something or smiled about it when they come in from school.  It turned out well, but the process of making it was awesome!

Lesson on reliance and dependence thanks to a spica cast

We knew in advance Landon was going to have major surgery. The news was sprung on us pretty quickly but we had time to adjust, research and ask questions about recovery but no amount of planning can totally prepare you. Sure, the organizer in me wanted to know the surgical plans, how to diaper him after, what equipment I needed, his care schedule for recovery, along with about 200 other things...just ask Nich! :) But, planning only took me so far. There was a world of emotions, unexpected parts of this hospital stay, small complications, a bunch of things out of my control - just waiting outside my plans...waiting for my emotional breaking point. I've realized today, and appreciate the perspective of a journey of preparation versus shorter term planning. 

When the breaking point happened (and I can't kid myself, it always does - sometimes large, sometimes smaller, sometimes internally, sometimes externally), what do I do? Who do I turn to? Planning takes you so far, that's something I can do; but God prepares us...way more than we know. No matter the specifics, we can get through it because His preparations are the real deal, things that stick with you, mold you. That takes faith, that's dependence. All along, God's been preparing me, us really. Other hospital stays, surgeries, deep points, I've learned the long way, God's really the one who we need, who is in control, who's enough. 

So, I've had a couple breaking points already thanks to this darn spica cast and I'm not running from them or hiding them. They're reminders that I'm human and so in need of Him! When I'm exhausted, frustrated, scared, I have to consciously remember God's taking care of Landon and orchestrating this life. We're His hands and feet, but it all comes from Him.  I need to remember that He gives me peace when I'm scared, a clearer mind when I'm frustrated, strength when I can't get up to calm him again and He gives Landon comfort when I can't and peace when he doesn't understand what's happening. Our pastor talked about eternal moments - you can recognize them, when we invest in things eternal, see as God sees, act as God shows us to; sometimes we're the way He brings these things to each other. I see it when I do know how to comfort Landon, when he smiles after a tense time or laughs and shows me pure joy, through so many of your prayers, help with the kids, meals, visits! He's shown me so many times before - the beauty and peace that passes all understanding when we rely on Him.

In one way or another, I truly believe (and can see!) how God continues changing and preparing me for what's up ahead. Today, how oddly thankful I am for the difficult hospitalizations in the past that built up my endurance, advocacy and bond with Landon to be prepared for this spica cast. A quote by CS Lewis, that I'm sure I've shared before, just resonates with me - "God, who foresaw your tribulations has specially formed you to go through them; not without pain, but without stain." We're only at the very beginning of this recovery, and I know it's not going to always be pretty, but it's going to mold us. I pray it molds us well! 

Hip Reconstruction Pre-Op

About 6 weeks ago we learned Landon needs a bilateral hip reconstruction surgery.  At that point, his right hip was only 20% in socket and the structure of the socket is not fully developed to hold the femur.  The tendons in his hip and groin area are really tight, so they'll cut and loosen them to add more flexibility.  It'll be about a 4 hour surgery, in the hospital for a few days and then recovery in a 6 week spica body cast.  I know recovery will be difficult, painful and long but we hope it'll be so helpful long term!

I've had time now to digest the shock and come up with a ton of questions!  At our orthopedic consult I had no idea his hips were so bad and that surgery was our only option.  Brooke came along for the consult and Landon was in pain from the assessment, there was too much on my mind to really comprehend what the surgeon was saying at the time.  It was probably a good thing - she helped ease hearing the news until I could understand more. :)

Today was his pre-op appointment - new x-rays, blood work in case he needs a transfusion, anesthesia consult...and answers to my questions!  I talked to another mom who's son had a spica cast and learned great tips for positioning and diapering and found tips online too!  The kids understand what recovery will be like, as much as any of us can prepare.  We're going to do our best to have Landon be part of as much as possible.  Recovering is 6 weeks in a body cast, roughly 6 months to get back to baseline (for typical development, we'll see!), 12 months to begin making progress again.  It was really discouraging, especially since he's been about his progress this season but we know this is the best thing for Landon to be in less pain and more mobility, and need to have the end in sight!      

Surgery Day in 2 weeks!  Keep him in your prayers!

Progress in His time

Lately Landon's had a season of progress!!  I'm so incredibly thankful, proud, bursting at the seams excited for him!  I'm so much more grateful for the steps he's making because of the past he's carried - the days in the NICU, the depressing prognosis, previous seasons in his life.  Tonight despite the absolute thrilling video I shared with so many that pray and encourage us, I reflected on the seasons of Landon's five years and what I've learned these five years.  Before I get into that - here's the video!  I stopped by school today to meet with his teacher and saw the little man wheelin' around the classroom!  

Forward, backward, one arm, both arms, wheeled himself in a circle and even straight towards me!  

Here's a few other videos of the progress he's making! 

 

He's supposed to be sleeping...but he's so vocal!  I remember wondering if he'd ever make a noise!

Landon playing piano along (and singing a little!) to Twinkle Twinkle in music therapy a few weeks ago!  He's intentionally hitting the keys when the therapist waits for him!  He's been making noise in pitch too!  

Can't you see how stinkin' exciting this is?!  The prognosis for a 23 week preemie is not very good; we knew it and heard it from the professionals many times.  But were comforted just as many times that God gave us these kids for a reason.  It's our job to care for them, love them, nurture them, teach them, encourage them - I didn't know all that entailed at the time, but we had signed up for the job.  

As Brennan, Brooke & Landon, especially, have gotten older, I've been able to see the seasons of their lives.  Not the developmental milestones, but Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 seasons...There's a time for everything.  Each season prepares us for the next; what we learn from God, our relationship with Him, how to navigate the circumstances that we experienced, etc.  

From that perspective, I can say, I'm thankful for the NICU season with Landon.  He was frail, we were young and didn't have much medical knowledge.  I was weak (in many ways and had to learn to depend on Him).  We had so much support from those that loved us (practical help, prayer, encouragement), learned so much medically, how to care for frail babies while surrounded by experts!  Of course there were experiences in that season, I'd rather erase or not have gone through - and I'm glad that chapter is closed!

Next, the trial run at home, his first 2 years.  He was still frail, we were still young but armed with the knowledge, confidence, tools and continued support.  He spent a lot of time still in the hospital, the other kids and rest of our family adapted, learned how to accept and ask for help when we needed it.  We tried to fit in developmental activities, therapy, etc between clinic appointments and hospital stays as best we could.  We practiced our advocacy, negotiating and flexibility skills working with professionals for Landon's best interest.  I grew as a parent, Christian and person.  I think we were still focused on survival, trusting our instincts and getting to know Landon.

The next season was a bit of a relaxing lull for him, he was pretty apathetic - was content with any activity and didn't show much drive or motivation.  We continued to figure him out; what he liked, didn't like, how he communicated, how our family operated (then added another kid to our mix!). Landon made slow developmental gains but that was alright for us, since his body was recovery so much medically!  Hospital visits were so much fewer but we were still operating on super speed so the lull was a bit hard to adjust to at first.  There seemed to be so much pressure to get therapies taught by age 3, so I needed to accept as a mom, that we did our best and he was happy.  It definitely took God's understanding to appreciate Landon's own timeline; accept that he'd continue to develop, just at his pace. There were points of progress that encouraged us along the way at seemingly just the times I needed them to not get discouraged.

Now, enter new season...age 5 and the three video's posted above!  Now we're in a season of change and development for Landon and I am ABSOLUTELY thrilled!  I do need to pinch myself, because it's hard to forget history and remember the previous seasons, especially the first 2.  Now his motivation is in overdrive and we're needing to incorporate that into our routine.  He's known to actually throw a bit of a temper tantrum if he wants something different!  Problem is, it's hard to know what that "something different" is, without trial & error or paying close attention.  I don't want to ride this season too long, or be too skeptical of the season.  Landon is doing fantastic, and I see this season as such a blessing!  Blessing to me and certainly a blessing from God!  

If you're reading this as a special needs parent, or parent in the NICU, I hope this is encouraging to you.  There's such a sense of new beginning once your child leaves the NICU, begins life at home, with or without medical professionals at home, entering school, etc.  It's been so helpful to have perspective and see times as seasons, not only where Landon started, but how he's progressed and how I've progressed throughout each season.  Thanks for sharing in Landon's excitement!  

Reaching Contentment

This has been going round and round in my head and my life for the last 5 years, and I'm so thankful God's put all the pieces together and I can honestly say I've reached a point of contentment in my life, and man is it freeing!  The - It Is Well With My Soul type of contentment!  This post is largely for me to mark this stage in my faith, personal and parenting journey, but also maybe to provide hope for somebody that's on the doorstep of being content.  When I think of being content, I thought of Paul's words in Philippians 4:12, when he wrote of having lived in plenty and and in need, hungry and full, but it's taken on a new meaning for me.  Not just in material things, but in concepts.  The secret of being content is in Jesus and only through Him, and for me was through a journey of other big words and seasons - Regret, Struggle, Acceptance, Peace and Joy.

5 years ago our lives were turned upside down....5 years, 6 months and 5 days to be exact.  Brennan, Landon, Katelyn and Brooklyn were born 17 weeks, 6 days early and we had no idea what was in store!  Three days later Katelyn died, many times in the weeks shortly after, Brennan, Landon and Brooklyn were very critical and Landon many times still in the last several years.  I've cycled through different periods of grief.  Grief over death, over changed dreams for my kids, over seeing my kids live a of special needs and everything that comes with it, over changed relationships.  I had so many real struggles with what-ifs, wanting to change the past or situations, regret over not doing enough therapy with them, anger toward my prenatal doc, comparison with healthy preemies - you get the picture...regret and real struggle.  Most of my kids beat the odds - 3 were alive and making progress and I desperately wanted to believe the cliche, "I wouldn't change a thing." I was/am thankful for the experiences we've had, people we've met, perspectives I've been opened to, but I couldn't buy in.  Who would willingly choose to loose their daughter, see their kids live such difficult lives?  Real struggle here.  Apart from my own internal struggle; parenting in general is hard - parenting kids with sensory issues, cognitive impairments, physical disabilities, explaining these to Hailey and each other and encouraging each of them to see each other for the beautiful person God made them but being free to work through their own thoughts, feelings and questions and grief - sometimes we did well, sometimes not so well and need to ask the kids for forgiveness and help!

I tried to do this on my own and change my attitude when needed, but I'd get knocked off center, just the normal challenges of the day (of course, in retrospect, right?!).  Dog gone it Jennie - Trust in the Lord, with ALL your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  Not part of it, not the easy parts, not the parts I think I need work on.  Give myself to Him and see the plans and paths He has for me.  Now, the human side of me still struggles with why me and why the kids, but - why not us?  Things happen, there's evil and bad situations in the world.  But I HAVE FAITH that He has a plan for me and for us for His plan, not just for my life.  Throughout the situations that come up, He will comfort us.  He will give us peace that passes all understanding.  He will take care of me and my family.  I love this quote from CS Lewis: "God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it; not without pain, but without stain."  We're not meant to live an easy life because we're Christian's, but when we experience God taking care of us, that's a show stopper.  When I was in the middle of the regret and struggles and sought Him, I never felt such peace.  I certainly am thankful I haven't had a life of daily battles, but the depths have magnified the joys.

This picture of Brennan and Landon is a snapshot of that - their relationship means SO MUCH, especially because of the life they've already lived and all that's impacting the life they're living!

Now the next big word, Acceptance.  I accepted diagnoses (though difficult too!), the modifications we needed to make at home, changes in how we parent and talk to each kid but also convey expectations for what they can do, changes in relationships, different lifestyle, many of the outside stuff; and my heart accepted my new life.  This stuff is hard, but I've accepted it's necessary.  That's the part of the cliche I would buy into, for as different as my life is now than I had planned, I wouldn't trade these kids.  Brennan, Landon and Brooke had a 15% chance of survival and I am blessed to have them, I remember that everyday.  I think Contentment is beyond Acceptance though.  Once I feel content, I can truly look forward, not just backward or in the day-to-day.  Maybe it's just semantics, but for me, it was a difference and has been in lots of areas.  

I just love the joy, love and laughter on their faces!  There's so much going on bigger than they know, but they don't worry.  It is what it is! :)

I think true Peace and Joy for me has come after I've become content with my life.  "The secret of being content in every situation..." is from God.  He's prepared my heart and changed my heart.  Situations aren't necessarily going to get easier, but how I navigate through them is.  I'm not fighting them (or the overall picture of my life) - I'm going with the flow, because I trust the Creator.  When I'm going with His flow, I'm aware of the teachable moments for myself or with my kids, I have energy, peace and patience for the challenges - I'm not leaning on myself.  I've seen parallels as I've had different seasons in my life - pretty sure that's God at work, getting me ready for the next thing in store, understanding Him better, understanding my kids better, understanding how He made me better; and I'm really excited!  

Never in a million years would I have expected to be living this life, but I'm thankful I serve a God that's bigger than my expectations and carries me through, no matter the specific situation or season!  

2014 Year in Review

The greatest thing about New Years for me is a time for reflection and looking forward to a newness!
I'm so thankful things are slowing down and I've actually HAD time for reflection!  2014 overall has been a year of exploration, discovery, and understanding in a lot of different ways.  Big milestones...at the tail end of 2013, we welcomed our newest...and last addition, Owen!; we became farmers in training with a much bigger garden and 10 ducks; I graduated with my MSW; Brooke & Brennan started general education classrooms with support; Hailey started 3rd Grade; Landon's continuing SXI at the local special education classroom.

Apart from those type of milestones, we've also reached a sweet spot as a family.  We're out of survival mode and assembly line care (mama's of multiples will understand!) and Brooke, Brennan and Landon are really growing into their own which is so helpful!  As they're growing, I'm noticing how different (and a little similar) they are.  And Hailey...3rd Grade is the new middle school, I feel like!!!  This is the where the part about the year of exploration, discovery and understanding comes in...

Hailey, Hailey, Hailey...she is so compassionate and really in touch with her feelings!  I've seen such growth and maturity from 2nd grade - summer - 3rd grade....I'm a little worried about what next year looks like! :)  Thankfully her character is developing right along and we've been talking through things.  One night she told me - emotions are tough! AMEN Hailey! Sometimes they do too much of the talking too and they get you in trouble! :)  She had her first major fit with friends at school this past year and handled it like a champ - this is where the exploration and understanding for me comes into play...she's of little words when something's up and I want to make sure she always feels like her feelings, concerns and problems are just as important to talk about (she's said it doesn't seem like a big deal with the other things we've got going on...YIKES!).  Hailey's a critical thinker and also so creative!  We've also had great conversations about how laws are formed and how to get your voice heard, why we believe what we do and why others do.  She designs and redesigns things, repurposes things, plans our parties, etc.  Always keeps it fun around here!  

Brennan is one of the SWEETEST kids I have ever met!  However, he also has a hard time communicating his needs, frustrations, etc. which unfortunately come often as he wants to do typical things but his really poor vision, balance trouble, very impulsiveness gets in the way.  The more I discover and understand, the more we can practice situations to help them come easier next time.  He's so open to it right now and I really want to take advantage of it!  He also LOVES to be super silly, Thomas the Train, and has a great imagination - he's given each of our family members a Thomas the Train character name and everyone plays along! :)

Landon is growing leaps and bounds!  He has done so well medically this past year, I was almost nervous to write that! :)  Without the medical issues being an issue last year, he's also made a lot of developmental progress too!  He's bearing a lot of weight, standing all the way upright often (instead of hunched over), rolling around, getting up on all-fours, intentionally manipulating toys.  To anyone else, these might look like such basic things for a 5 year old, (and they are), but it's HUGE for Landon and for the other kids to see that he's still learning.  It gives us so much hope!  This is where the exploration,, discovery and understanding come in...learning what motivates him, best techniques, what he enjoys and how to get what he needs to continue making progress he needs.

Brooklyn is all in in whatever situation; she's sweet, hilarious, developing a sense of compassion, very independent and very strong willed.  She is in love with Annie, American Girls, Hailey :) and really can enjoy just about anything else!  She's doing really good in Kindergarten for what we expected and know that she'll repeat when she moves to the same elementary school Hailey goes to next year.  The structure and flow is really what we felt like was the biggest thing to master but she's doing really good with reading, and is loving school (and like's the responsibility of having homework right now)!  Brooke also has a great imagination - so many times I need to check if she's talking to me or her toys...generally it's not me :)  The discovery and understanding for Brooke is that all-in piece...she has a hard time regulating once she's crossed the line and the more I understand what triggers, how to snap her out, etc, the better for her and for me :)

Owen is full of life!  He is the perfect addition in many ways.  Each of the other kids have a unique relationship with him and it's so sweet to see!  Owen turned 1 on Dec 19th and started confidently walking ON his birthday! His favorite toy of everything is an old jack in the box, he gets giddy when it pops up! He's so curious, loving, and silly - the other kids love getting him laughing!

As I've learned and understood more about myself and the need and gift to just straight up, rely on God, there's been such a freedom.  A lot has happened in 2014, will continue happening in 2015 and on and as New Years' comes and go. My resolutions are to learn better ways to get through.  Not only get through but enjoy and do His work, in my community and in my family.  For 2015, I want to take time.  Simply put. Take time fueling my soul in His word, in community, in service, reflect and learn, be present, spend time together, understand what makes each child (and my husband!) tick, what they need, help them communicate it to me, grow up with good character, help me understand what I need and communicate it to those that love me, the list can go on.

In 2014, our family lost really special people and Hailey reminded me, what I told her a few years ago when some died, "People die, Mom...I'm really sorry, but remember, it just happens?"  Sounds insensitive, but it really wasn't.  We've talked about we're humans, we have a time here on earth and what matters is what we do with it.  We've reflected on the lives they lived and impact they've had on us.  That perspective is what my New Year's Resolution is about; creating deeper relationships, open understanding, aligning priorities.  Here's the New Year's Resolutions for Brennan, Hailey & Brooklyn - the red words are the important part of their dream/wish for the upcoming year.  Pretty interesting and gives us insight! :)

I've been blessed with a pretty awesome family to nurture into another year - here's to 2015!

Hallelujah comfort

Back in the blogging world!  I started a Facebook post today, but it turned way long so I decided...brace yourselves...to BLOG about it!  My last post was really Nov 2012 and I can't commit to any sort of regular schedule and don't want to feel guilty when I don't make the deadlines.  :)  Here goes!  We've had so many experiences with the kids that have really made me think and tonight was no different...

Brooke didn't get a nap today because she had her first play date with a friend from school (which went GREAT!  The friend's mom had no idea Brooke was born so early - AMAZING!), then we went garage-saling (pretty much turned into a walk around a subdivision, but it was beautiful!) and played outside for a long time...needless to say, we were in for a rough night.  We were expecting some drama but she was in rare form.  She missed out on quiet time before bed as a consequence and I could hear her screaming all the way upstairs.  I went down to yell since it was bed time but when I opened her door she was sobbing, trying to calm down but still had a ways to go.  I sat on the edge of her bed and started rubbing her back to help, and between sobs, she asked me to sing "Hallelujah."  She's been hooked on that song since she was a baby (see an old blog post) and it's always made me smile, but tonight absolutely stopped me in my tracks.  I was mad, but that disappeared as we sang together of God's love...."amazing, steady and unchanging..a mountain firm beneath my feet."

Her little life is such a testimony!  4 years ago we had no idea what was in store for her and every milestone was a huge success.  We never knew if a developmental milestone could be her limit but she continues making such progress and praising God every minute!  A few minutes in, we started rockin it out in worship  She doesn't know the depth of that song, but it makes my heart swell knowing how much comfort she already experiences in Him.  Thanks for the reminder Brooke - "Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah your love makes me sing!"

Wise beyond her years

Friday night while putting Brennan and Brooke to bed Hailey was having a meltdown (thankfully they get fewer and fewer) and we told her she had to go to bed now too because she couldn't control herself. I had her in time out while I put B&B to bed then was able to focus on her. She went kicking and screaming and kept screaming because she was mad but I just went downstairs and wasn't going to fight with her about it. After about 10 minutes she came to the top of the stairs and apologized and wanted to talk. So proud of her for that! We've really been working with her to express her thoughts and feelings and our conversation upstairs broke my heart.
She had calmed herself down and said she didn't mean to be mean but sometimes when she starts crying because of being mad it turns to crying because she's sad and can't stop thinking of things that make her cry. (Ever done that? Start crying then your mind wanders to more sad things -yep I could relate.) I just asked what she was feeling and thinking about and she asked more questions about death...every couple of months it seems she gains a deeper understanding that needs to be processed and dots that need to be connected. I hate that she's experienced so much already but cherish her perspective and understanding. She was said because she thought Uncle Joe was hurting before he died and wondered if he died in the hospital too (like Katelyn). I said I didn't think so, they didn't have a lot of hospitals around in Afghanistan but that God took care of him every second until he died. She also said she was worried about Landon when he keeps going to the hospital and specifically brought up the time in April 2011 when he stopped breathing and had a seizure in the car and we had to meet and ambulance at a gas station....she was sitting right next to him in the van. I was trying to stay calm for her but was scared myself and apparently she was too. She's been around for 2 other ambulance calls and at the time seemed to be ok but is now connection the dots. I told her that she being sad was because she loved Landon and she repeated that she loved him so much (and she started crying harder). I assured her that Landon's doing great right now and we would tell her if he was ever dying - awful thing to have say about your son to his sister...We decided to pray that God would take the scared, mad and sad thoughts away and she asked me to for her because it would make her keep crying. (Gave a new meaning to praying on someone's behalf. There's been times I needed someone to pray for me because I couldn't). I gave her a hug and kiss and tucked her in bed and she went right to sleep.

Saturday when we prayed for lunch, she was thankful for her family, her dad that made a balance beam and uneven bars for her American Girl doll and for her mom understanding her last night. She melted my heart right then!

Hailey always has been wiser beyond her years, especially through her grief. I so wish I could take away her grief, her fear about Landon and the experiences that make her connect to death. I am so so thankful for God's peace and her faith and trust. She's a pretty awesome girl and her life will be used for great things!